Anyway, life is pretty good on the college front. I've been thinking about posting on here for a while, but I just haven't had a moment where I don't feel guilty about taking up so much precious time to write a blog post. I have kind of a funny story to tell.
So in my English class last week we had our first formalist poetry analysis due. Part of this assignment was to memorize the poem we were writing our analysis on so we could later recite it to the class. This is a class I only have once a week and there are only 8 people in it. So I had plenty of time to memorize it and I really didn't think it was that big of a deal, because it really wasn't.
So Thursday, the day I have the class, rolls around and I have the poem memorized- all ready to go. I recite to myself in all of my free moments throughout the day. I mean I know this thing backwards and forwards. I could even recite it to you right now and this was 5 days ago. So the time for my class to start finally rolls around and I'm ready to go. We discuss a few items of business before we start our recitations. Then my professor gives us little pep talk and says that she knows this can be nerve racking and that sort of thing. At this point I start to get a little nervous for some reason. I start thinking about if I were to forget it and my mind starts to go through all the "what if" scenarios I can think of.
A little time passes and about half the people have recited their poems. I see that I will be the last one to go up. Right before it is the turn of the person in front of me, he leans back to me and asks if I want to go before him. I'm thinking what the heck might as well get it over with, so I go up there. I recite the first two stanzas with ease. Then my mind goes completely blank. My professor then offers to let me sit down and go last. I'm like "sure". And so I sit down, a little embarrassed.
The boy in front of me recites his poem in what seems like no time at all and then I have to go up there again. As I'm standing up there all I can think about is how no one else had to sit down and get back up. haha..seriously I couldn't get my mind to focus on the poem at all. And I was REALLY tired by the way so that didn't help with my attention span issues. So I am reciting the poem, this time stumbling over almost every line. I just keep thinking, "what the heck?! why can't I recite this stupid thing! I know it!" And at one point in my performance I voiced these frustrations. None of these thoughts were helping with reciting the poem as you might be able to imagine. At this point my nerves had gotten so bad that I, once again, couldn't finish the poem. My professor then offered to be my "line" person and tell me what word the stanza started with to get me started. This, though very nice of her, only made me feel more helpless. Not only that, but I also kept being distracted by the pained looks everyone wore as they watched me stammer, start over and, at times, say nothing at all.
Finally, my professor put me somewhat out of my misery by telling me I could try one more time after we did our exam review. I thanked her very graciously and sat down. All during the review I just kept reciting the poem to myself over and over- of course, I could spout it off to myself no problem sitting down... so frustrating. After a review that I paid absolutely no attention to whatsoever, I stood at the front of the room, still thinking about how in the world I was up here for a third time. Ridiculous.
I looked out at the "crowd" of 8 people. I could see in all of their faces that they were unsure about how this would go. Oh how I felt their pain...I began and went through the first few stanzas easily enough, only stumbling over a one or two words. Then I hit a little bit of a wall in the middle. A student in the class, attempting to help me, read off the word of the next line. Though she had good intentions, this annoyed me a bit but I tried not to dwell on it and moved on, trying not to make eye contact with anyone in the room, their looks would only distract me-as I learned the last two times. Finally, I recited the last stanza of the poem and received a round of applause from the room, which felt ridiculous since this was my THIRD time to attempt reciting this silly little poem. so I replied with an equally ridiculous curtsy and bow. What I really felt like doing was shouting from the rooftops in celebration of finally conquering this unlikely beast!!! Instead, I walked to my seat apologizing to the room for putting them through such a painful experience, laughing all the way, and trying to make light of this whole dang thing that I'm sure everyone was feeling quite awkward about. I joked with the people sitting next to me about how ridiculous that was. They were both very nice about it and made it seem like it wasn't a big deal. I really appreciated their kind words. And even though I felt like fleeing the room after such a display, I stayed and had one of the cinnamon rolls somebody brought to class. I really appreciated that cinnamon roll, filling my mouth so I didn't have to say anything else. I left the room and when I walked outside the cold Utah air never felt so good on my face, still hot from the embarrassment. Now I have a go- to embarrassing moment! And If anyone is feeling bad about their public speaking/ performing abilities. Just think of me. hahaha
